While Tantra is so much more than sex, many of us in the western world are drawn to its philosophy because of the promise of Earth shaking orgasms and the possibility of connecting to the Divine. And, who doesn’t want that??
The thing about Tantra is that it embraces sexuality as necessary, instead of moralizing it by making it sinful. We can detach from the programming that sex is bad or dirty and invite consciousness into the experience and honor the reality that we are all sexual beings and this is holy.
Many religious traditions have discounted sex and sexuality and regulate it so they can regulate it’s followers. Think about it. When we regulate sex, one of our most basic of instincts, people not only feel compelled to engage in these acts in shameful hiding, but the shame itself is so integrated that their own desires become attached to their perception of the self and they, in turn, are wrong and bad and sinful. It is no longer about sex, it is about moralizing people, and specifically, women.
Women have been the subject of sexual oppression since the patriarchy was developed and the feminine was no longer to be worshiped and adored, rather it became something to be leashed, feared, and controlled.
Tantric sex turns the perception of sex completely on its head (and naturally embraces female sexuality and pleasure). In tantra, sex is sovereign. It is seen as one of the most direct portals to the Divine, to God. It is through sex that humans can experience depth of connection and tap into a pleasure that transcends all pain.
In fact, many people find profound healing through sex. Tantric sex, unlike patriarchal sex, reveres the body (all bodies) as sacred. It is not sinful, nor does it need to be limited. Instead, sex is celebrated and can even lead to those Earth-shattering orgasms that many people think is just a myth.
Tantra is literally translated as “to weave,” meaning to weave together the feminine and masculine energies. In tantra, it is not so much male and female sex and gender that is the focus, but the energies contained in the masculine and feminine. We all contain both. Every person has some masculine and some feminine energy within them. Often, these energies are so wounded that they appear distorted. It is with the distorted masculine and feminine energies that the patriarchy thrives.
In tantra, it’s all about the union. It’s all about a rhythmic exchange of energies, sharing soul connection with another person (or the self or the Divine).
How is tantric sex different from the way we’ve all been taught?
● The first thing to know about tantric sex is that its views of sex are vastly different from the western patriarchal view of sex. Many of us experienced sex education in simple terms of a penis entering a vagina until that penis ejaculates and then sex is done. We are taught fear tactics and little to no information on pleasure. Most of us were never even taught proper female anatomy, including the vulva and the clitoris. This is completely ignored in traditional sex education. In essence, this is completely different in tantra, as sex is seen as encompassing a multitude of experiences, some of which do not even involve the physical body. And it most definitely emphasizes female pleasure. Tantric sex involves more “outer course” and not just “inner course.” What we in the realm of patriarchal sex call sex is vastly limiting. Sex is not just penetration. All penetration is sex, but not all sex is penetration. In fact, little of Tantric sex involves penetration, and yes, it’s all still sex.
● With that being said, female pleasure is not even on the radar for most traditional, formal (and informal) sex education programs. But in tantra, it is a priority. Traditionally, in many parts of the world, men learn to hold in their semen (FYI ejaculation and orgasm are two separate events, they just often happen at the same time, but penis owners can have multiple orgasms with ejaculation). Often, tantra practices require a man to learn to restrain from ejaculation until his partner(s) is completely satiated. Can you believe that? A world where female pleasure is prioritized, even over a man’s pleasure. Female pleasure is adored, the female body worshiped.
● In patriarchal sex, the goal is often orgasm for the man, specifically, as female orgasm is not something revered in western society. In tantra, there is no goal, there is no achieved outcome, there is no expectation. The reality is the interconnection and the pleasure that is experienced from this rhythmic relationship. If orgasm happens, it can be celebrated and beautiful and often reverberating through the entire body and beyond. Orgasm is most definitely not necessary or focused on.
● Tantric sex also focuses less on the physical aspects of sex and more on the energy and connection. This is why you often hear of people having 10-hour sex. Tantra’s definition of sex is much broader. Much of the time in tantric sex, the time is focused on specific practices to deepen connection and little on physical aspects of sex and even less time on penetrative sex. In patriarchal society and culture, outercourse is considered “foreplay” and not even part of sex. It is considered an appetizer to the main meal. This is clearly the most damaging to women, as vulva owners require more time and attention to the outside of their body and less on penetration.
So what is tantric sex?
● In tantra, sex is not about orgasm. While orgasm often happens (and when it does, WOWZA!!), it is not the focus. Instead, there is no actual goal. The intention is to connect into our deepest pleasure and energy and not to “work” toward anything.
● In tantra, sex is slow, allowing ample time for pleasure to arise and arousal to deepen, as well as connections to develop and energy to be shared. The focus in tantric sex is about true connection with the self, a partner, and possibly even the Divine because in Tantra, everything is sacred and as such your partner is Divine (and you are truly holy if you are focusing on yourself). Making love to someone or to the self is like making love to God.
● Tantric sex is about tapping into every sense that you have. So often, we are simply trying to focus on feeling good with sex that we are actually in our heads the majority of the time. Sometimes we’re worried about how our bodies look and if we are taking “too long”, or perhaps believing that we won’t orgasm at all and then we think “what’s the point” or “let’s just get this over with.” And sometimes we are worried about performing, about maintaining erection or arousal. We are so in our own heads that we are completely disconnected from our own pleasure and especially from our partners.
How can I bring more tantra into my sex life?
● Set the mood.
Tip: You want the space to feel inviting and warm. Ensure the room is picked up (there’s nothing like seeing dirty clothes everywhere to turn you off). Tantric sex is sacred and cultivating a sacred space can go a long way to setting the mood. Consciously choosing scents in the space can offer different moods and can help relax or stimulate, depending on which you choose. Scents are subjective and even though one scent might relax one person, it could cause dis-ease in another, so check in and ensure the scents using are pleasant for all involved. You can also use sound by choosing music. I would suggest vocal-free music and something calming. Again, ensure it matches the needs of all involved. Lighting candles is a way to elevate the experience and make it feel more sacred and also adds to the ambiance and overall comfortable, inviting vibe.
● To fully engage your senses in the moment, you must give yourself permission to unleash. This means ensuring you can make sounds fully. You need to be able to honor your voice and allow any sounds to arise to be freed. Make sure you aren’t trying to be quiet or“perform” for the sake of your partner. This puts you back in your head instead of in your body. Your body is where your senses come alive.
Tip: Tune into all of your senses, allowing each to come alive with arousal. First start with your eyes, fully take in the presence of your partner (of the self). Notice colors, textures, the way your partner moves. Then move on to sound, become curious of the way their breath sounds, the symphony that their body is playing for you (or your body if you’re practicing solo).
Next, invite your awareness into your sense of smell, notice the fragrance in the air, perhaps from you or your partner or perhaps from a candle or incense. Tune into the essence of your partner (or yourself). Next, focus on taste. How does a kiss feel on your lips? How does your own mouth taste if you were to lick your lips? How does your breath taste? How does your partner’s breath taste? How does your partner’s skin taste if you were to gently caress them with your tongue, stimulating both their arousal and yours through taste.
Finally, tap into touch, allow your fingertips to glide across their skin (and yours), inviting with each touch the energy of presence and curiosity. You can play with giving touch using a prop, as well, such as a feather, or even a whip (BDSM can be tantra). Each touch is a gift to be given and received. You can then try to combine the senses and see if you can move into your body, allowing your senses to fully receive the experience. If you are thinking about the moment, you are not embodying your pleasure. This is a skill. It takes practice to honor over time and may be easier for some more than others.
● Breathe. Quite simply, breathwork is one of the most important aspects of tantra. Breath can catapult us into another realm. It can cause trance and transcendent experiences. It can calm us down. Through breath, we exchange energy and begin to match our energy to our partner.
Tip: Using breath with a partner can include the Lotus position (see picture) with each partner facing one another and syncing your breaths so that when you inhale, your partner is exhaling and you are breathing them in, taking them into your being fully. And when you exhale, your partner inhales your breath, creating a steady, circular flow of breath between two bodies and two souls.
● Eye gazing is another simple way to begin inviting tantra into the bedroom (or any room, or outdoors, whatever your fancy). When we look into another person’s eyes, we are gazing into their soul. Often, eye gazing can be even scarier than physical sex. Eye gazing is incredibly vulnerable and after awhile, it can truly feel as if two people are merging as one. This is where we can tap into the magic of the cosmic connection of two beings so connected we no longer know where one begins and the other one ends. We begin to lower our defenses and invite our partner into our soul through the portal of the eyes.
Tip: You can try this by sitting across from one another and simply gaze softly. Try gazing into each other’s left eye, as this reflects the inner feminine and is often more receptive. You can experiment with the right eye, though some experience this as intimidating and even aggressive.
● Position your body so you can give and receive, though not at the same time. There is a time to give and a time to receive and sometimes it is meant to be shared. If you are receiving, fully receive, allowing yourself to be adored. If you are giving, worship the hell out of your partner. If you are sharing the experience (which can be more difficult, though with practice can be experienced), allow your senses and your breath to keep you in your body to experience the true wonders of pleasure embodied.
Tip: The Lotus is the most popular tantric position because it allows for intimate closeness and a feeling of safety and togetherness. One partner (typically the man or the partner who is feeling more aligned with their masculine energy) sits cross-legged. The other partner sits in between their legs and crosses their legs behind their partner.
Tip: If you are practicing solo, lean back, so that you are sitting up slightly and can better reach all of the places of your body that wish to be explored. Using your hands, explore every inch of your body, without spending all of your time of one part (i.e. the clit). Allow this presence to be akin to church, worship the sovereignty of your body through complete, judgment-free presence.
Tip: To combine many of the practices above, you can try this out. To expand on the Lotus position, place one hand on your heart and one hand on your partner’s heart and match your breathing. You can incorporate eye gazing or putting your foreheads together and matching your breath.
● Touch is a powerful ally in tantric sex. Slow, non-demanding exploration of your partner’s body is a message of safety and relaxation, while also turning each other on.
Tip: Invite your partner to lie on their back and begin with massaging and exploring the back side of their body. After a few minutes (or however long), have them turn over. Here you can explore the front side of their body. You can even explore Tantric massage through intimate, non-goal oriented Yoni (vulva) and Lingam (penis) massage (I’ll share more on that in a different post with specific guidance as to how to perform a Yoni and Lingam massage).
Above all, tantric sex is about experiencing pleasure and connection in the moment as it’s happening, without agenda. It is about surrendering to the connection and pleasure of making love. Tantric sex is meditation. It allows for the possibility of energetic transformation through the expansion of sexual energy. Often, people experience full body orgasm without ever being touched (more on that later).
Try it out and if you would like more guidance, reach out! I work individually with people desiring a more intimate connection with tantra (and with the self) and teach specific practices that may be aligned with your needs and desires.
